Hazelnut Cottage

On Living…

“Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how. The moment you know how, you begin to die a little. The artist never entirely knows. We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark.” ~Agnes De Mille (American dancer and choreographer)

I am feeling hopeful again...the first time since this slump of mine began oh, months ago. Some of the joy is coming back into my hands and my heart as I work, as I dream. I am once again letting myself think about the person I am creating for as I work on their pieces. I think about any conversations we’ve had, the occasion this item is being created for, the person it is going to. Sometimes the pieces of jewelry I am commissioned to make is to celebrate a wedding or anniversary. Sometimes, they commemorate a birth or other special event or group. Once I was asked to create a special piece based on a poem that had been passed down through the family for generations. And finally, there are little pieces that I create for someone to help shoulder a loss; a nasty breakup, sorrowful times, even the loss of a child...

And to think that my contribution to these events, both joyful and sad, adds to someone's life in even a small way...humbling.

So gratefully, my heart is beginning to feel again. And I feel like, maybe it is okay to dream those big dreams again.

And feeling that maybe God does love me. Maybe, even likes me. A little.

Reading through Julia’s “The Artists Way” has been so, so helpful. Like a big sister who always has your back. I was so encouraged reading this portion:

“Looking at God’s creation, it is pretty clear that the creator itself did not know when to stop. There is not one pink flower, or even fifty pink flowers, but hundreds. Snowflakes of course, are the ultimate exercise in sheer creative glee. No two alike. This creator looks suspiciously like someone who just might send us support for our creative ventures.” ~Julia Cameron, “The Artists Way”

Such a wonderful and fresh perspective, Julia has about God. It wells up a joy within me...

...and OH, I just finished reading The Shack. Great read, oh yeah. And while I can’t say that my longing for “justice” for the evil committed was fully satisfied (tho' it will never be satisfied for us until it is no more, I’d say) . In the end, the thing I come away with is not any of the 'dangerous heretical theology-babble', no. The thing that stirs in my heart is this: Does God really like me enough to smile at me and pick me up off my feet in a giant bear hug?

I think this is what the theology police are missing. People (or at least, me, people) are self-centered. Like Mack in the story, we basically want to know how this or that will affect US. At it’s core, what The Shack speaks to, is a person’s heart; that God loves them...that he is fond of them...of YOU...of me. Imagine.

Possiblities...

“Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” ~Andy Dufresne, The Shawshank Redemption

So I seem to be back at work. Uh-huh. Filling orders, going to the post office and such. Going through the motions, and trusting Julia that I don’t really NEED to FEEL in the mood to create. Uh-huh.

Meanwhile, I am really pondering the possibilities. Maybe I can make this (perceived?) character flaw of finding IT! and then, not, work for me. So, maybe my STRENGTH is that I enjoy creating lots of different kinds of art...maybe I should really think more about opening up another Etsy shop, or re-evaluating my .com site to develop and offer a collection of Hazelnut Cottage items...a boutique sort of idea. That way, I can make what strikes me that week (that hour, that minute) make a few (since I get bored with multiples)—which has it's own appeal as a “limited edition” sort of thing, and leave it at that. Onto the next baby! No guilt! No shame! No labeling myself as flightly or flaky. Instead, I could be “creative”, and “versatile”, and “flexible”. Imagine that. And I could, even, consign or wholesale other artists’ works that complement my own. Yeah! Support other indies! Now we’re talking! (April, get busy!!!)

Because I realize that what I brings me the most fulfillment and meaning in my work is encouraging others. Giving them hope or helping them see the good in themselves and offering a bit of hope for them to carry them on for a few more steps in their journey.

Anyway, really just dreaming here, out loud, and maybe sharing this prematurely even...perhaps my seedlings of hope should stay under the cover of darkness, allowed to grow more...but speaking of these stirrings helps me feel a bit stronger, a bit more hopeful, and that is a good thing.

Of course, my fears are shouting to make themselves known (and having been born into the Hongo family, my fears have got a good set of lungs) ...so many reasons not to go this route...yet, a few good reasons to try it too...

photography...oh my, yes
painting...oooo
ceramics...yummmmy!
assemblage/collage...OH
writing...yes, yes, yes

Will I be stellar at all of these? Who cares?! It would be FUN (for a while at least!)...wow...imagine that!

The following is from the Another Girl at Play Newsletter. If you haven’t heard of the site before, please do go. It’s an awesome site featuring she-artists who have found a way to play for a living.

And while I value “being” over “doing”, this is just right for those times you need encouragement to stop wallowing. Just had to share it!

“Please go out there and do.
Live.
Don't be the same as yesterday.
Don't live vicariously online.
Don't use language that has no meaning or talk ideas you don't really live.
Don't hide.
Don't copy others or live their ideas or life.
Don't fear doing your thing.
Don't fear doing.
Instead of reading a decorating magazine, paint that room.
Instead of thinking of baking, do up a cake.
Run, walk, bike.
Put that self help book down and pick up yourself.
Let go of the snark, your worries, your anger and fear and give into possibility, action, joy and life.
Do.
Do some more.
Stop thinking about you.
Stop blogging about just you and your kid and your pet.
There's a world out there to connect to, really connect to and email doesn't count.
Being of use is more important than being popular.
Think about the lady down the street, the person at the drive through, the man fallen in the street, about politics, the environment, healthcare, another country and then do something about it.
Never stop at thinking.
Dream big, work harder.
Have lots of fun, lift a finger, do something for someone else.
Cheer your friends on.
Cheer yourself up.
Celebrate as much as possible.
Enjoy everything.
Right now.
It's OK to want more and do more but be present with where you are or who you are with.
Don't rush the situation - even if it's bad.
Move on when you can.
Don't settle.
Try everything you can and get over everything holding you back.
Go outside.
Go outside yourself.
Make a difference, make some change.
Don't complain about someone unless you're talking to that someone.
Don't complain about a situation you're not willing to make better.
They don't have it better and you don't have it worse.
Don't make excuses.
You'll never see possibility if you do.
And you're smart and worth more than settling for a life of complaining and limitation.
Hope.
Hope more.
Give someone else hope.
Get healthy and contribute to a healthy environment.
Think about everything you do, you buy, you say.
Only be lazy on Sunday and even then, be conscious.
Rest is useful, giving up is not.
Live with a light heart.
Play more.
Remember what it's like to be seven.
Remember to listen to a seven year old because you just have more words and life experience, not necessarily more wisdom.
Have more questions than answers and don't put everything into words.
Sometimes just feel things and be.
Be quiet more often, listen harder, talk exactly as you mean to.
Strive for your best and not what you think someone elses' best is.
Follow through.
Don't let others' down.
Don't let yourself down.
You are better than your circumstances.
Ask for what you're worth.
Make magic happen don't wish for it.
Don't envy others' lives, envy yours.
Live it fully.
Teach by example how to live well, how to be treated, how to be kind, how to be alive.
Do.
I can't stress that one enough.
Take action on your life.
Make the change.
No more sulking, waiting, thinking, reading, talking about.
It's time.
You're ready.”

Confessions...

Okay, so what I haven’t really said out loud to anyone other than the closest of friends, what I am having an Oh-So-Hard-Time admitting to myself more than anyone, is that I am utterly and completely, well...lost. In a dark wood. With fog swirling around me, kind of lost.

I am supposed to be back at work, now that my official Etsy “vacation” is over. But I am not. I can’t seem to pick up my tools to work. It all seems so, embarrassingly uninteresting to me now. I feel like a giant flake, but instead of calling myself names (teasing is not allowed in our house!) I am trying to be kind to my artist self and trying to go with the flow, trying to tell myself that I am in a slump and to take some down time to rest and get reinvested.

But myself is not listening too well.

And the fear is that I will never be interested in anything creative again, let alone my jewelry, which like neglected children, sit here staring at me to please play with them...

And I am enjoying not working, all too much.

And so I spoke with alarm to my husband today (who should get a gold medal for being the most supportive husband of an indie artist): “Am I destined to dabble in things all my life; doing things for spurts at a time and then moving on?!” To which he said in a non-judgmental tone, “Well, yes, maybe. That’s the way it looks so far.”

Acckkk. Couldn’t you just LIE?!!!?!

It just cannot be. I cannot live with myself if this is to be the case. Flightly. Flaky. (I have another very strong word which I shall not utter here.) This is a character flaw that I must surgically remove.

Why can”t I just get a JOB, go to work, collect a paycheck and be happy? Or at least, choose a medium, develop it over time and mature into a master craftsperson? How am I ever going to be good, masterful at anything if I never stick with it long enough? How will I ever develop my business past it's infancy stage if I am constantly abandoning my creative babies? (Please don’t actually answer me as I do not need to be chastised at the moment...I am quite fragile right now.)

Last night I had a dream (nightmare) that I went back to teaching. I had a closet of a classroom, overgrown on the inside with plants and it had a candy apple red door. And I had not prepared a thing. And in my dream I kept thinking to myself, “This isn’t right. I can’t do this. This is a mistake.”

Whaaa??!

So how could a grown woman, thoughtful and earnestly searching be so unaware of herself? I don’t even know the answer to that question. How could I be so sure (uh, like a few times in my life) that I’ve finally found my calling, my meaningful work...and then just lose interest? I think I need to sit with Julia and unblock.

Long Time No See…

...well, so what have you been up to?

Me? Uh, ummm, uh, sort of hibernating of late. Been busy getting ready for our 15th wedding anniversary celebration...an intimate little gathering to renew our vows this weekend. It’s been a lovely time of reflecting,  remembering and refocusing. Planning this celebration has been unexpectedly therapeutic for me...a much needed reminder that there are many things in this life to focus on, work being only one of them. And having taken a huge step back to regroup, I am slightly shocked that I haven't missed working. At all.

Instead, I've been getting reacquainted with the notion of “sleep” and have spent the evenings relaxing and movie watching with my husband, catching up on some interesting reads, trying to draw closer to God, have had several date nights and girl nights and have had my hands in all sorts of creative projects from decorations and flowers to creating a simple couture gown and finishing up (just now) a slideshow.

So for now, happy where I am, wandering around a bit on this journey and savoring this season of rest.

Hoping you are all well and happy...