Jan Avellana | Art + Words

Week 6: Split the World Open

{ Cody :: 2008 }

We’ve been doing lots of reflecting, looking back, stopping to breathe and think and feel in this very moment. This week is about looking at the road ahead.

*******

The Wanderer

by Antonio Machado

Wanderer, your footsteps are
the road, and nothing more;
wanderer, there is no road,
the road is made by walking.
By walking one makes the road,
and upon glancing back
one sees the path
that must never be trod again.
Wanderer, there is no road--
Only wakes upon the sea.

*******

It is scary and exhilarating to think that tomorrow can be very different from today. It starts simply, with making different choices, choices based not in fear, or need for human approval or the desire to be nice—but based instead in knowing solidly that God loves us and trusts us and that we have permission to check with ourselves to see whether or not WE approve of our lives!

I warmly invite you to copy and paste these questions and answer any or all of them in the comments below:

1) What is it dear woman, that you are really and truly about—without apology, without permission from anybody else—who are you and what do you believe? Finish these statements:

I am…I believe...I give myself permission…

2) One truth I am ready to finally admit to myself is:

3) In an effort to live with more honesty and courage, what are 2 things and/or people you can start to say “No” to today (so that you can start to say “Yes” to yourself)?

4) What are your creative/professional goals for the next year?

5) List 5 concrete, measureable steps that will help you get closer to acheiving these creative/professional goals:

6) What are 2 things that make you happy that you can start doing every week for yourself?

7) What is your plan to nurture and/or build yourself a safe community of belonging? When will you begin?

Week 6: There is a Season

 

{ Sunset Beach, North Shore, Oahu }

I am 43 years old. I sit here writing my heart out, and in the background I can hear my children playing and laughing. The summer sun is setting outside my screen door and I voices waft up from the downstairs pool into my art studio. This summer is a working summer for me. With my husband home from teaching high school English to take care of the kiddos, he has given me his blessing to work, and I am left free most days to write, and create and become. It is a gift beyond words, this gift of time, for it is also the gift that says each day and each hour, “I believe in you and your art. I see how hard you work all year to juggle your work in between the housework and the kids and now it’s my turn.”

In some ways I feel that I am past my prime, that I am too old to still be trying to “get there” and feeling that I’ve wasted so much time trying to figure out my life. In other ways, I still feel very much like a kid. These parts of me feel resilient, strong and even audacious with big dreams and growing unabashed confidence that God’s purposes for me will come to fruition. The hard part, I find, is learning to be content and even joyful, fully trusting God, even if my big dreams don’t ever blossom. In the meanwhile I am learning about the trust thing, day by day.

Ecclesiasties 3 states:

¹ There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:

 ^2-8 A right time for birth and another for death,
   A right time to plant and another to reap,
   A right time to kill and another to heal,
   A right time to destroy and another to construct,
   A right time to cry and another to laugh,
   A right time to lament and another to cheer,
   A right time to make love and another to abstain,
   A right time to embrace and another to part,
   A right time to search and another to count your losses,
   A right time to hold on and another to let go,
   A right time to rip out and another to mend,
   A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
   A right time to love and another to hate,
   A right time to wage war and another to make peace.

 ~ Ecclesiasties 3:1-8, The Message

Over the years I have seen seasons of plenty and seasons of want. There was a decade when I laid down all artistic endeavors altogether and simply went to work everyday and lived a “normal” life, devoid of all art related pursuits…I can’t even recall how I survived or what brought me joy during that 10 year span. There were lessons learned, and re-learned and re-learned again, and then a slow and often painful journey back to myself. Through it all I continue to realize that our lives and our souls are a complex weave of lightness and darkness, chaos and peace, fearful striving and peaceful trusting and everything in between. There is messiness in living as in birthing a life, but the thing is, there is the living of all of it—and it’s the living of it all that matters. The seasons of life come and go and with them, there is an ebb and flow to all of life.

“Dear Lord, today I thought of the words of Vincent van Gogh: “It is true there is an ebb and flow, but the sea remains the sea.” You are the sea. Although I experience many ups and downs in my emotions and often feel great shifts and changes in my inner life, you remain the same. Your sameness is not the sameness of a rock, but the sameness of a faithful lover. Out of your love I came to life; by your love I am sustained; and to your love I am always called back. There are days of sadness and days of joy; there are feelings of guilt and feelings of gratitude; there are moments of failure and moments of success; but all of them are embraced by your unwavering love.

My only real temptation is to doubt in your love, to think of myself as beyond the reach of your love, to remove myself from the healing radiance of your love. To do these things is to move into the darkness of despair.

O Lord, sea of love and goodness, let me not fear too much the storms and winds of my daily life, and let me know that there is ebb and flow but that the sea remains the sea. Amen.” ~Henri Nouwen, (1932-1996), a Dutch Catholic Priest who authored 40 books on the spiritual life.

{ One of the flower pots I threw on the wheel at the University of Hawaii Leisure Center :: 2002 }

May your journey ahead be full of blessings and wonder and may you always feel the support and love of the kindred spirits you have met along the way.

Up for discussion: This week, take some time to reflect on how far you’ve come in the last 6 weeks on our journey together. What things are you aware of now that you weren’t when we began? Are there truths that you were afraid to admit to yourself at the start that you can now claim more boldy for yourself, and if so, what are those truths? Has any part of your soul or your life transformed? If so, what’s undergone transformation and to what extent? What are you choosing as an act of your own free will, to leave behind as you journey onward? A year from now, what is the one thing you think you’ll still remember from our time together?

Week 5: Weekly Wrap-Up

{ Me + April on a tribal outing }

Dear Awesome Girl,

When people gather around a common interest or value, community is born. But whether or not that community will grow and thrive and foster healthy, loving, honest relationships is up to the individuals who make up that community and the leadership who determines the vision and helps to nurture the culture of that community.

I have had mixed experiences with community. I have been in communities that made my skin crawl, where gossip and backbiting were a common, everyday occurence. I have been part of a grace-filled community that has welcomed a transgender Christian, struggling with his faith. I have been part of a life-giving community of friends, deep and true, where you can let your guard down completely, knowing with all your heart that they will always think the best of you, even when you are a blubbering and snotty mess of a failure and you’ve completely screwed up big time.

Such is this life we belong to. People are fickle and often self-seeking. But we are also kind and capable of great love.

May you find and nurture your own life-giving community. And may it add laughter and love to this wild life we are called to live.

XOXO,

Jan

Week 5: Building Community—A Tribe to Call Your Own

{ My Hawaii tribe enjoying Seattle! :) Cat, Ape and Me }

Safe community begins with us.

Where there is no safe community to be found, it’s up to us to gather our own people together. People who will love us, people who you can argue with and make up with and still love the next day, people who will tell you the truth in kindness, people who are good for you, people who will always think the best of you and people who will fight for you tooth and nail when you can’t fight for yourself.

It is so, so, so important to have a safe community to belong to, and if you don’t have one, or can’t find it out there, nurture and build your own!

{ Me, with the fabulous Crystal Neubauer!!! }

Choose, nurture and build your tribe well.

It is an honor and a privelege to belong to your tribe and only those most dear, most loyal and true should be allowed in.

(In other words, keep the (other) crazies out!)

Week 5: On Being a Safe Person

{ me, grade 1 }

True story: A woman at my old workplace would go out of her way to be super-duper friendly to me. She’d stop me in the street as she drove by, rolling down her car window to wave to me, to chat at the stoplight, even. I let my guard down and let her in. My weirdo-radar (apparently an obsolete model) gave me no indication that I should keep my distance from her. So, I didn’t. After a few months of this easy-breezy-chatty-friendship, I found out that she and another woman I hardly knew were spreading rumors about me that were totally untrue.

I was speechless. Really. The fact that someone can even conjure up something sinister about my life (whose highlight is going to the 7-11 for some spicy tuna sushi) is pretty exciting—oh, I mean really, very sad. My first reaction was to defend myself to “everyone”, to show them my resume, let them talk to my pastor and best friends who could vouch and attest for me that I am indeed a non-evil-entity and someone who can be trusted not to eat the very last piece of chocolate in the box because she thinks so of others more highly than herself. Truly. Kindof.

My next reaction (and this sickens me to say) was to be extra nice to this woman! As in, there is something wrong with me and if I were just nicer then she will take back everything she said and I would be okay again. As in, more truthfully, I didn’t have the courage to confront her and ask, “What the hell are you thinking and talking about, woman?!!!”

As time went by, I began to ask look more objectively about the situation. I began asking myself what is it that makes a safe community? What does “safe” really mean? And finally, how can I be a safe person? Here is what I’ve come to:

Safe means you don’t have to wonder if what I’m telling you or presenting you is the truth or not. Safe means you can trust me, really trust me. Safe means that I don’t judge you, that I am unshockable, that I am humble, that I am the first to admit my wrong and the first to say I’m sorry and really mean it. Safe means I will be vulnerable with you and expose the truth about who I am and that I will risk rejection and judgement in order to be my true self. Safe means, I talk openly about my doubts, fear, anger, joy, disappointments, selfishness, and envy, rather than pretend I’m not human, even if I use the occasional cuss word (as if I think God can’t hear my private grumblings or isn’t there to witness my outbursts with the pee-cat. Again.)

Safe means that I need to be as honest as I can be with myself and with you. That means, I need to say what I really feel and think, with as much honesty and kindness as I can possibly muster.

If it gives me the heebie-jeebies to smile and share a hug with someone, only to have them whisper something snarky behind my back, then I can’t be that kind of person. So, safe means that I don’t make snide comments about others becuase if I do, you can be sure that I’m saying those things about you when you're not there to hear (note to self: stay away from folks like this). That means if I have a problem with someone, I need to be courageous enough to address it directly with them—not get anyone else involved through a “venting session” or a “as-a-gossip-session-cloaked-as-a-prayer-request” and if I find that I don’t have the yayas to confront that person, then really, I just need to shut up. Seriously.

I need to not take myself oh-so seriously; I need to be able to laugh at myself and give others the benefit of the doubt and extend grace when they make a mistake and fess up because this is the kind of grace I need extended to me daily. I don’t want to be the kind of person who says, “Well, I told you so!”. Safe means being real all of the time. Safe means not wearing any kind of mask even if it makes other people uncomfortable because real is always better than fake, even if real is messy, vulnerable, embarassing, shocking, dirty, messy (did I say that already?), un-Christian-like (remember David and Bathsheba and David’s cover-up attempt?!, someone God calls a man after His own heart—go wrap your brain around THAT one!). Basically, if I think it, and I harbor it in my heart, and I talk secretly about it in whispers, then I should also be unashamed to say it here, discuss it there and everywhere—because even if I pretend, God knows the truth. He always knows.

And looking and sounding good and holy to others just doesn’t matter if it’s not real; it just doesn’t, not one squat bit.

So, this is who I am and who I am becoming. A real girl, with flaws and too many words and commas, and too much body fat from eating Klondike bars for lunch. A girl who is still learning how to love Jesus without guile, without shame. A girl who isn’t afraid to tell it like it is (mostly) and is learning to love myself. A safe person that people can trust because they know what they see is what they get and that’s the whole of it. Period.

Up for discussion: What are your thoughts on being a safe person? What would you add to this description I started here? Who are the safe people in your life and what about them makes you feel safe?

Week 5: Belonging to a Tribe

 

{ Transcending :: Kelly Corrigan }

A tribe is more than just a random group of friends, it is an intentional community with a purpose, whether spoken or unspoken. Your purpose could be something as structured as joining together to meet for bible study and prayer, or as simple and casual as meeting for mutual support and companionship.

In my own “tribal” experience, the trust runs deep, the conversation, true and there is a loyal and loving commitment not only to the individuals in the tribe, but also to the tribe itself.

With artists and entreprenuers a special kind of tribe is extremely helpful in helping to keep you working at your craft in season and out. Julia Cameron calls them “Believing Mirrors”:

“Believing Mirrors” are people who mirror us back to ourselves as powerful, strong, and in our most positive light. Our Believing Mirrors are valuable people in our creative lives. Who are the Believing Mirrors in your life?

Up for discussion: What has been your experience with a “tribe”? What does your ideal tribe look like? Who are the believing mirrors in your life and why are they such potent forces for your good? Share your thoughts on today’s video…oh, to be a pigeon!

Week 5: The Yearning to Belong (Belonging to Yourself First)

When I was first making my slow way back to art, I stumbled upon a website called “Another Girl at Play”. The site featured interviews of 25 female creatives along with links to their websites and blogs. I remember sitting at my computer, with my newborn son asleep in his moses basket beside me, devouring all 25 of those interviews and feeling for the first time in my life that I had finally found my tribe—a community I could belong to. I knew down in my marrow that I was one of these women and it filled me all at once with an ache and a relief—that half laughing, half crying thing—I really wasn’t alone in this world. There were other women, just like me—who were farther along the path on the creative journey, women I could look up to and aspire to be like. I’m not exaggerating when I say it was a homecoming of sorts—one of those profound moments I knew was going to stay with me forever.

I hadn’t fully realized how lonely I’d been until that moment. I have a few close, wonderful friends that I am honored to share my life with and a best-friend-husband who I’ve been married to for the last 19 years, so it wasn’t for a lack of deep relationships.

The loneliness I had experienced over my lifetime and a large part of the homecoming I now felt, was because I was finally meeting myself for the first time—maybe ever.

In those 25 interviews of creative women, I saw myself. I could finally put words to that elusive yearning that I was not living out who I was meant to be—I was and am an artist and a writer, a dreamer, a feeler, a tribe builder and belonger—and I am today, one of my own best friends, a girl who knows herself so much more than she used to and is even learning to like herself.

Now I Become Myself (by May Sarton)

Now I become myself. It's taken
Time, many years and places;
I have been dissolved and shaken,
Worn other people's faces,
Run madly, as if Time were there,
Terribly old, crying a warning,
"Hurry, you will be dead before--"
(What? Before you reach the morning?
Or the end of the poem is clear?
Or love safe in the walled city?)
Now to stand still, to be here,
Feel my own weight and density!
The black shadow on the paper
Is my hand; the shadow of a word
As thought shapes the shaper
Falls heavy on the page, is heard.
All fuses now, falls into place
From wish to action, word to silence,
My work, my love, my time, my face
Gathered into one intense
Gesture of growing like a plant.
As slowly as the ripening fruit
Fertile, detached, and always spent,
Falls but does not exhaust the root,
So all the poem is, can give,
Grows in me to become the song,
Made so and rooted by love.
Now there is time and Time is young.
O, in this single hour I live
All of myself and do not move.
I, the pursued, who madly ran,
Stand still, stand still, and stop the sun!

Belonging to myself means that I am firmly rooted in the love and grace of my Abba God. It means that I choose to actively seek out His will for my life and to walk in an honest relationship with Him, by being as honest with myself about who I am—who He created me to be—as I possibly can. Belonging to myself means learning to be the most genuine self I can be, flaws, pimples—lowlights as well as highlights. It means honoring Jesus Christ and His precious sacrifice by honoring who I am in God.

“…Thomas Merton calls [this] "true self." This is not the ego self that wants to inflate us (or deflate us, another from of self-distortion), not the intellectual self that wants to hover above the mess of life in clear but ungrounded ideas, not the ethical self that wants to live by some abstract moral code. It is the self-planted in us by the God who made us in God's own image-- the self that wants nothing more, or less, than for us to be who we were created to be.

True self is true friend. One ignores or rejects such friendship only at one's peril.”

~Parker Palmer, “Let Your Life Speak”

What does “belonging to yourself” mean to you and how do you belong to yourself first?

Up for discussion: Share your feelings about community. Do you belong to a tribe that you engage with regularly and if so, how do they meet your need for belonging and support? As an individual, what are your personal needs for community—what works for you and what doesn’t? If you can, share about a time where you experienced life-giving community and the positive effect it had on you.